Billie....

My grandmother, Billie, was my biggest hero while she was alive. Unfortunately for us, she passed away in 2002, tw0 months before I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. She passed away on May 26, I found out I was pregnant with Caleb on July 26, Caleb was born on March 26, I found out I was pregnant with Jansen on September 26...but alas, he was born on May 31. All of that is very interesting to me because I thought that she and I had a very strong connection, even though she had tons of grandchildren. She always made each one of us feel particularly special.

Anyway, while I was pregnant with Caleb, we went on a cruise...it had been planned for months so my timing was ever-so-perfect. August 26, while on the cruise, I had this dream that Mammaw called me on the phone to ask me why she hadn't talked to me in so long. We discussed everything that had been going on in my life and I cried like a baby. I told her that I wanted to talk to her everyday and had frequently caught myself calling her phone number, but that she had died, so obviously that was ridiculous. She said she knew my child and had seen him already, and I cried some more.

That was the only dream I had about her for years, until last year, when I was at Walmart and was checking out. An old lady was in front of me and she was having a really difficult time getting a package of bottled water onto the conveyor belt. So I told her to wait, I would load her groceries for her. When she turned around, I stared to tear up, because she looked exactly like Mammaw. She touched my arm and said, "Thank you honey." and I cried all the way home.

Last night, I had another dream about her. She was sitting at my table talking to me and asking me why I was crying. And all I could tell her was "Because it's not real, it's just not real." I woke up in tears. So for some strange reason, I haven't been able to shake this feeling. After this, I went to HEB to get groceries, and I heard a voice ask me about cantaloupes. I turned around and it was that same woman from last year at Walmart. She chatted with me for a minute and walked off. I found myself following her around the store...not stalking her, but just wanting to look at her one more time. I still cannot shake this feeling. Having a totally sad day. :

Scarf Indecency!

Ok, so what the heck is with this flimsy scarf trend??? I just do not get it and I think it looks stupid. I'm just sayin. You are wearing a wife beater, a sleeveless shirt, or a short sleeved shirt, and you think to your self, "I think I will top it off with a thin piece of material wrapped around my neck!". Agh.

Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of accessories, but this is something I just don't get. Hmmmm, maybe 30 is knocking on my door faster than I would like to realize.

Case in point, Nick Jonas. Now I am not a Jonas brothers fan at all. But whatever, that is beside the point. What is the point? The fact that this kid is wearing a pastel green t shirt, while pants, and a blue piece of fabric to barely cover his neck. Are you cold? Maybe a sweater would work better.

Waiting...

So now Lindsey and I are on the cruise waitlist. It is a chance at least, thank goodness. I got the tweet at just before midnight and within 5 minutes we were on the list. Our number...#2498. Good luck.

Josh and I took a weekend trip, minus the boys, to Houston. Josh had set everything up as a mystery date, which was really cool. We did all my favorite things while we were there. Lunch at Macaroni Grill, shopping at the Galleria, trying out new phones at T-Mobile, dinner, drinks, and fun at Dave and Busters, and in the morning after breakfast, we both sat in the hotel room and read the paper...in complete lazy silence. It was awesome!! Two thumbs up to the hubs for planning this short getaway for us. We were not even gone for 24 hours but it seemed like much longer!

Back to reality. Back to preparing for my last day of work, the kids' first day of school, meetings and soccer practices. The good thing is, I feel rejuvenated!

PS. Even though we do not have a confirmation on the cruise, and we are on the waitlist, Rose Tours could call us this week, next month, or two days before the cruise and I want to be ready. So I am going to be saving money and exercising to be prepared, just in case. And if we don't get on the boat...I will have a chunk of money and will be thin...so that is a bonus. Oh, and I need a passport. I'll wait for that until January I guess.

As Lindsey would say, "$hit on that noise."

My college roommate and fellow NKOTB junkie and I finally committed to spending the ridiculous amount of money to get our butts on this cruise next May. Presale tickets for past cruisers went on sale two days ago and it was a nightmare. The site kept crashing, they suspended sales for a while, and all in all, it was madness and chaos. General sale was today beginning at 11 am. You would think that the travel agency would have learned from the presale, but no. That is not the case.

Like many other die hard NKOTB fans, just looking for the opportunity to sail away and "Get wet in 2010", Lindsey and I stayed on our computers for 9 and a half hours total trying to get on. Lindsey during the day and me in the evening. I completely understand that cruises sell out. We knew that it would be very difficult to get tickets. But what happened today is shameful for all that were involved.

For 9 hours straight, we received message after message: "Oops, this link appears to be broken." and "Server is busy, try again later." and my favorite: "this page doesn't exist". Well actually it does exist. There were countless times that Lindsey was able to get our names in and pick a cabin, only to be booted off the system. 5 easy steps, that's all it takes to book this trip. Step by Step, right?

Wrong. Lindsey got to step 4 (I could give you more...) inputting our credit card information and click to confirm. We were in! Nope, wrong again...all you need is to click to confirm. Actually what happens when you click to confirm is that you are booted off the system again to one of the aforementioned messages. What is worse is that there were tons of women that never showed confirmation numbers or reservations and yet their credit cards were charged! Ludicris!

Obviously, this is not the work of NKOTB. But seriously...there are thousands upon thousands of die hard, crazy, fanatical women out there that would give one of their children away to get on this cruise. There has got to be a better system. Did you not know that NKOTB has a following like the freakin Beatles? Did you not know that we will sleep outside a venue to get tickets? How can you not be prepared for this?

And what really kills me is the thought of the tiniest possibility of a cruise is 2011. So peep this hypothethical...you make it onto the cruise in 2009. You are a past cruiser, so you get first dibs on 2010 and dammit, what do you know? You got tickets again. And hey, you wanna go again in 2011, and you get first dibs again and now you have seen them 3 times. What the hell? There are people that have tried to get on this cruise twice now, who have never met NKOTB, and they can't get a ticket to save their life. I don't think this is the reason why it sold out...but it sure doesn't help others. Equal opportunity to receive the Full Service from Jordan is all I ask.

Everyone related to NKOTB is always a-Twitter....but tonight, not a Tweet heard, not even a Peep.

Peep-peep Donnie. I wanted to give you Twugs, but it was not in the cards for this die hard fan. 9 hours of diligence yielded no positive results. Not even because (to quote the great Dane Cook) I did my best. Something is wrong...that system was flawed. Thank God "Something's Gotta Give" was on TBS after the cruise sold out, otherwise I was headed to drown my sorrow in a huge tub of ice cream and Twix bars!

Imagination.....

So the New Kids on the Block are doing another cruise next year...and what a coincidence...the week of my 30th birthday. For some strange reason, that seems like fate to me. Thirty is a birthday that I have not readily welcomed. It is a symbol of true adulthood, although I have been an adult for more years that I care to recognize. Actually, 30 is the only age I am scared of, not 31, not 40, not 50...just 30. Is it a time of reflection? A time to reevaluate life to decide where I am going?

Although I am currently 29, I feel much older. When others are out enjoying their 20's in graduate school, backpacking through Europe, tubing down the river with a beer in hand, seeking out true joy and purpose, I was home struggling with an Autistic child, another toddler, and a mostly absent husband. Don't get me wrong, the whole decade has not been a torturous. It has just been a struggle. Getting married and having children young is not an easy thing to do. That said, do I want to look back with regret? No. I have no regrets. The experiences form me into the person I am today...a continual work-in-progress. I love my family, unconditionally. Don't offer me money for them, because I won't take it.

Since Caleb started school last year, I have begun to remember Amber. I am Caleb's mom. I am Jansen's mom. I am Josh's wife. I love each title, but in the mix of thinking of that 21 year old newlywed, that 22 year old new mom, I lost me. Flashes of my previous life are very quick memories, and many of them I desire to have back. So maybe that is what my 30's are for. I want to come into my own. I want the balance between living for my family and living for me.

So in an effort to gain control over myself....I present....Reinventing Amber! I am transforming into the person I have in my mind. Quitting my job, being available for my children and their schools, getting into shape, getting finances in order, and creating goals for myself.

Did I mention how desperately I want to go on this NKOTB Cruise???? Talk about a break in the monotony of life! Chances are slim I can get a ticket since presale tickets go on sale for past cruisers two days before public sale! Does that seem fair...heck no! But if I am able to get a ticket, I will be posting about my efforts to raise money and lower my body weight. Accountability will be my new middle name. 30th Birthday = NKOTB Cruise. I am speaking it into existance...Mock me if you wish...I have no shame! :)