Today is a day that I wish didn't happen. Today is a day of joy, because it is my sweet baby Jansen's 5th birthday, which obviously means that he is now longer a sweet baby. I must have blinked, because he is almost taller, and bigger in general, than his 7 year old brother. Unfortunately, today has been more depressing than my own milestone birthday earlier this month.
We took a trip to Redbox for him to pick out his movie-of-choice, made his favorite breakfast and lunch, and vowed to do nothing today but play. But my attitude today is horrific. I cannot shake the funk today. Even though I would love to dance and shout, and shake my body down to the ground, both my mind and body are feeling the anti-groove. Instead, I am in prayer that today's self-loathing and general selfish behavior is just temporary.
Today I am thinking of all the bad shi....stuff I have said, done, thought either to or about people. Which leads me to anger about the bad shi....stuff that others have said, done, and thought about me. Or maybe that is vice versa. Either way, I am thinking about both. I am irritated by a handful of people. Why must I be such a people pleaser? Over the years I have learned that I tend to take on the attitudes and attributes of those around me, even though they may be polar opposite. And to top it off, I am often paralyzed by the thought of a bad impression that I may present to people. Does that change my behavior...often times not.
Boy this is a rambling post.
I don't know. Today I feel inadequate. And I am mad at some people...which leads me to be more mad at myself for being mad at them. I am incredibly annoyed by Caleb today, who has been overall decent, but incredibly loud and tic-y. What needs to be done is for me to sit back and realize that he cannot control this. This is a part of my son. It is a part of how he reacts to changes in his routine. As a baby, his behaviors were immediate and severe. As he gets older, his behaviors are often gradual, and annoying at first....but upon reflection, warrented. This is the end of school, and he LOVES school. He never wants school to end. This is a time of major fun for most children. When I was his age, the last weeks of school were the best. We had parties, snacks, free time...everyone loved it. These are things that Caleb doesn't do well with. Of course, he is no longer rocking himself in the corner or spinning when changes happen. Now he has moved on to excessive talking about factual things (today is Monday...we never have school on Mondays....Mom, today is Monday....we never have school on Mondays....), extreme bossiness (in attempt to regulate his life), and tics (sniff, cough, throat clear....lather, rinse, repeat). So to the casual observer, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but to us...if left to his own devices with no adjustments, would spiral out of control in two days and return to hysterics. No one wants that.
Ahh life. Things have been so beautiful over the last couple of months. Caleb is learning the art of adaptation. Who am I kidding, WE are learning the art of adaptation. Maybe I feel so funky because Caleb feels so funky. This just reinforces that my life is not my own. I know my child better than anyone else. We are very similar, Caleb and I. What a cathartic process blogging is to me! I still feel funky, but at least I have a better grasp of where my head is now :)
Happy Birthday to my Jansen!!!
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