Sunday, August 16, 2009


My grandmother, Billie, was my biggest hero while she was alive. Unfortunately for us, she passed away in 2002, tw0 months before I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. She passed away on May 26, I found out I was pregnant with Caleb on July 26, Caleb was born on March 26, I found out I was pregnant with Jansen on September 26...but alas, he was born on May 31. All of that is very interesting to me because I thought that she and I had a very strong connection, even though she had tons of grandchildren. She always made each one of us feel particularly special.

Anyway, while I was pregnant with Caleb, we went on a had been planned for months so my timing was ever-so-perfect. August 26, while on the cruise, I had this dream that Mammaw called me on the phone to ask me why she hadn't talked to me in so long. We discussed everything that had been going on in my life and I cried like a baby. I told her that I wanted to talk to her everyday and had frequently caught myself calling her phone number, but that she had died, so obviously that was ridiculous. She said she knew my child and had seen him already, and I cried some more.

That was the only dream I had about her for years, until last year, when I was at Walmart and was checking out. An old lady was in front of me and she was having a really difficult time getting a package of bottled water onto the conveyor belt. So I told her to wait, I would load her groceries for her. When she turned around, I stared to tear up, because she looked exactly like Mammaw. She touched my arm and said, "Thank you honey." and I cried all the way home.

Last night, I had another dream about her. She was sitting at my table talking to me and asking me why I was crying. And all I could tell her was "Because it's not real, it's just not real." I woke up in tears. So for some strange reason, I haven't been able to shake this feeling. After this, I went to HEB to get groceries, and I heard a voice ask me about cantaloupes. I turned around and it was that same woman from last year at Walmart. She chatted with me for a minute and walked off. I found myself following her around the store...not stalking her, but just wanting to look at her one more time. I still cannot shake this feeling. Having a totally sad day. :

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